Day: September 13, 2001

If Lilly had not posted it in the comments, I would have never known that Tuesday was the International Day Of Peace. Can you believe that? There were Day of Peace events scheduled at the UN on Tuesday.

It is so hard to watch all of the families on the news, hearing their personal stories. All of these people searching for their loved ones. And then, the CEO of Cantor Fitzgerald, totally breaking down – because he took his son to the first day of school he wasn’t there … but 700 employees were, and none have been found. 700 from one company alone. And the remaining employees (I think there were 300 or so not there due to vacation, appointments, etc) voted today to go back to work when the bond market opened this morning. How hard.

Those walls full of pictures, posters of people looking for their family members. And so many of those may not ever truly get closure, their loved ones may never be found. *sigh*

Don’t forget, 7pm on Friday – go outside and light a candle. I have them lined up & ready on my patio, and if I can find a flag and get my dad to come put up a flag holder for me, I am putting that outside too. Then I might go & find the yellow ribbon I wore throughout Desert Storm. It was upsetting to hear that they are considering calling up the Reserves for the first time since Desert Storm.

My prayers for everyone have been constant. May we all find peace.

What happened to Jish today is *exactly* what we DO NOT need to be doing right now. Argh.

It’s a new day. We are still here. We are not at war yet. As you can see from my posts last night, I am trying to think about other things. Not easy when everything you read, everything on TV, all seems to be about the horrible events of Tuesday.

I mentioned to Kymberlie last night, one of the first things we discussed on Tuesday morning while watching the world as we know it crumble away… do you think they intentionally choose “UNITED” and “AMERICAN” flights for the symbolism of the names? United States of America … impacted by United and American flights. And 9-11 … was the date even selected for the symbolism of our 9-1-1 system? Something I keep wondering about over an over. The part about the airline names really bothers me. I am not sure why.

Tuesday when I finally forced myself to leave the news and go get lunch, I had the sunroof open, and I was listening to James Taylor’s Greatest Hits CD. “Fire and Rain”. Just go listen to it. I can’t explain all the emotions that go through me every time I listen to that song. I keep listening to that CD. His voice soothes me, it makes me feel calm when – well, to be honest, I don’t feel safe. But I have to work, I have to think about other things…

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it’ll turn your head around
Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I’d see you one more time again
There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I’d see you, thought I’d see you fire and rain, now

(Lyrics from James Taylor Online – Unofficial Site)

Merriam Webster is adding 10 new words to the dictionary. One of them is SKANKY. Yes, skanky is now a word in the dictionary. “skanky : repugnantly filthy or squalid” For those of you that know me in real life, you can imagine why my “Skanky Ass” is most amused that the word has officially made the dictionary. (Link & info found thanks to Dawn.)

I don’t normally post here about men in my life. Well, probably because there really aren’t any right now, no commitments, no ties. No dates. (Yeah, one in August, but haven’t seen him since.) I have a boring, quiet life. What’s my point here? Well, first the recap. Last spring I met a guy through an online dating service. We talked. We seemed to have a lot in common, and I really looked forward to meeting him. When we finally got to meet in person (he was working in Beaumont at the time, so we had delays due to the distance) it was great. I really thought things might go somewhere. But then he cancelled on our date the next night – he had come to Houston for the weekend, and we had agreed that if we had a good meeting on Friday we would go out on Saturday too. He went back to Beaumont, and then called from there to back out. It’s been like that ever since. It’s like a dance… we get close, he gets scared and runs. I have no idea why. The last time it happened was July 31st. He was back in Beaumont, 2 weeks of vacation before his training class in Albany, NY. He was supposed to come to Houston that night so we could go to dinner, and then he called and said he was staying in Beaumont. I was caught off guard, but thought it was due to his move, so I offered to drive over to see him instead so we could go out. As I was driving over, I called him to let him know I was on my way – and I could tell he was eating. He was eating pizza, knowing I was driving over so we could go out! Grrrrrr… I was so mad I almost turned around and drove home. Instead (have I mentioned I can be bullheaded?) I drove over – and about 10 minutes after I got there he said he was tired and going to bed!!! I was furious.

I didn’t hear from him again during the 2 weeks he was supposed to be home. We had talked previously about getting together, doing things – I had that whole weekend to myself as Jason was out of town with my parents. He never called, and after the way he treated me I wasn’t going to call him. A few weeks ago, out of the blue, he called at 1:30am on a Friday night. Yes, 1:30am. Thankfully, that was the night that Naomi came over so we could watch “What Dreams May Come”, so I was awake. I didn’t talk to him that night because she was here, it was late, I didn’t feel like talking. I called him back on Saturday, but he had said when we talked Friday night that he would probably be gone, being a tourist. I left a voice mail. We didn’t talk later that week. He called last Friday night at 12:30 am, and while I was home, I was soooo tired and so sound asleep I didn’t even hear the phone ring. Again, we didn’t talk.

That brings you to tonight – he called. I had dozed off, laying on the couch watching the news. It wasn’t too late, so I don’t mind that he called at all. We chatted, and when I said I hadn’t really been up to much of anything he said “sure, sure…” No, really. I haven’t been. I think he seriously thinks I am dating all sorts of people. I am flattered, but it simply isn’t the case. After my grandfather died in August, I retreated. I have really just holed myself up, focused on work. Last weekend I spent time working on the site, getting skins set up, stylesheets, etc. Not that he has any tie to me, matter of fact he told me back in July that he had been dating someone else. I will say though that I really like him. Even after the emotional dance we have been through. I have always felt like I could just be ME with him. (After years of feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, it is refreshing to be able to just be myself.) We talked about the fact that I can’t fly up there now to see him, not with the way things are right now after the attacks yesterday. We talked about our upcoming birthdays. He didn’t know when mine was, and then tried to catch me off guard by asking “so, when is my birthday” … ummmm, 5 days after mine, October 2nd. Ha. He didn’t expect that. As the conversation was wrapping up he said that he had enjoyed talking to me, that he was glad we got to talk. I agreed. Then he said, “well, let me ask you something … why didn’t you call yesterday, after the most horrific act of terrorism to ever be committed on American soil, knowing I was in New York?” Let’s see. Why not? To be perfectly honest, I DID think about him. Several times. I thought of several different people, still in the military or those who have served, and he was one of them. Events like this seem to effect people who have served in the military in a different way. I also thought of how we talked this summer about me coming to New York to see him, and how we could go down to New York City. I would never be able to see the World Trade Center, never be able to take in the amazing view from the visitation deck. I didn’t call though because I knew he was in Albany, a safe distance from NYC. And the big picture? He didn’t bother to call me or see me the two weeks he had vacation in August. He had even told me earlier in the phone call that he “just hung out” … yeah, so why not call? I wasn’t important enough to see while you were right here? Wouldn’t that have been a smart thing? Ugh. All I could think at that time was that he was spending quality time instead with the other person that he has been dating. I didn’t like putting myself through that emotional dance, that pain that gets tied into that. I wish he could just be honest & up front with me. Telling me how he feels, WHY he keeps doing that. I suspect that like many of us he has been through pain in love. I know he has, we talked about it when we first met. Maybe that’s it, that he honestly does care about me but he doesn’t want to let me too close out of fear that I will hurt him, or because he thinks I won’t be honest with him because others have lied.

How do you convince someone that they can trust you? I guess you can’t. I can not make him have faith that I can be honest with him, that I don’t lie, and that I am honestly not dating anyone else right now. I guess the key thing is … you shouldn’t have to convince someone. They should believe in you.

He was quiet after I rattled off that I had thought of him, but considering the fact that he hasn’t contacted me, that he didn’t see me while he was here, I didn’t think he had much interest in talking to me. But I *DO* care. He is a good person, with a good heart. I would like it if he let me in, if he let me come close – but he keeps me at a long arm’s length away. And there is nothing I can do about that. I can’t change that, only he can. Hmm. I guess we will just have to wait and see what the future holds.